Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.