If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.