Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Dune (2021)
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”