[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
when nothing goes right… go left
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.