Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”