Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Natty or not?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Midwest trash talk
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.