My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
You Might Also Like
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE