Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.