I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I hope Alan is OK
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.