Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
i now pronounce you bounced.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Lmao
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
That’s a good costume, I hope.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍