[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m already scared
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.