Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit