Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
An odd boast
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp