Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Goodnight 🐶
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.