professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.