While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.