That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind