Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.