I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Passwords are more important than ever.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.