My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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I get distracted pretty eas
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”