APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
HOW DARE YOU
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Breakfast for Stoners:
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line