*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.