Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.