[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent