[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.