[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
You Might Also Like
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent