They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
You Might Also Like
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
What
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…