My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper