“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Love it! 👍😂
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
‘I know a black person’
– White people
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*