Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.