*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”