*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong