FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!