I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”