My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Buck naked
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.