mood
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Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Genius idea!!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Hank is one in a melon.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!