“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.