Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
And now we wait
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house