Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]