funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
You learn something every day
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*