[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?