Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person