Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Still cracks me up
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When you try jalapeños for the first time
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.