Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.