One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted