I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
You Might Also Like
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.