Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
When you let grandma cat sit
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok