In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Mhm.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.