People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
How to draw a duck
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Buck naked
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!