There is wisdom there.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I falcon love using swear birds
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.